this modern love

I can tap into the sadness at anytime. It is morning here now, but I still feel you. 

I've found that growth is the only remedy for a broken-heart, and attempting to better oneself is advantageous to wallowing. 

To be broken is to be cracked open, and a new strength pours fourth. A strength you did not know you possessed. It will take you, carry you, and lead you into new places. 

Everyday is not a good day, but the strength makes you comfortable in the ups and downs. Somedays the wine is overflowing, and you pour back into the memories. Eventually, you learn not to do this. It will begin to feel like running in circles, and you'll want to go somewhere new.

So you emerge each day, sober and aware of all the passions around you. Pink roses on the street corner, a new lover in your bed, with soft baby blonde hair. His eyes are new and childlike. 

You are not defined by your lovers anymore, but by an accumulation of books you've managed to read as of late. You're a pagan, you're a poet, you're a painter. You read about the natural world, the human body, and eastern religions. 

You don't believe in the resurrection, but you believe in virtue, passion, and truth. You begin to seek truth. You discover that acting with integrity is in your own best interest, and do so not because someone else told you to. 

You are yours, more than you have ever been before. 

xx 

clothing by Maison Close

photos by Jen Senn

"good to love"

know what your music is. leo tolstoy asked this question, "what if my whole life has been wrong?" 

as an artist, sometimes all you have is your intuition. you can ask others for advice or opinions on your work, but at the end of the day, "you have to be independent of the good opinion of other people." 

as my friend mandy brought up yesterday, "what if instagram had no likes?" would you still be posting what you do now? what if you were never critiqued by anyone else, what would you art look like then? 

i believe it's so important to distance ourselves from what other people are doing, saying, creating. what is your truth? what do you seek? spend time alone and get to know yourself. 

get to know yourself so you never have to pretend again, show up exactly as you are. 

i have spent aching hours alone- reading, writing, thinking, running, trying to get to the truth of who i am as a person. what am i here to do? what would fulfill me, and help others? sometimes the answers don't come to us as discernible as we'd like them to, but if we begin to just ask, we are making progress. we are moving towards our truth. 

know who you are, and it will bring you happiness that you could not get through money, things, success, or another person. 

it will be beyond your wildest dreams. 

xx 

along for the ride

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just along for the ride. The days move so quick, and my social schedule seems to be overflowing with holidays engagements and events. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying it's hard to focus. 

I'm an introvert, a fact I've been comfortable with since I was in grade school. I thrive on being alone, I create and I learn, and I become the best version of myself. I experience extreme clarity in solitude. My favorite thing in the world is going on a long run, all by myself, listening to music and contemplating creative ideas. 

As fun and stimulating as it is to constantly be around people, I feel drained. I feel full, but tired. Like after a big meal. Sometimes I'm good at finding the balance, other times not so great. 

I'm happy though. And I really want all the people around me to be happy. I've been focused on character, and just trying to be a really good person. I want to better the people around me, I want to be a person of virtue. 

Today, I'm contemplating the existence of angels, and I just picked up a canvas for a new piece. I'm going to re-focus. I'm ready for a new year, filled with blessings for everyone in this world. I want more love and higher consciousness. 

I'll be posting my new years resolutions soon! 

all my love

xx 

destination unknown coat by free people

leather jacket by deadwood

holiday dress by free people

lingerie set by agent provocateur

the creative process

The creative process requires a tremendous amount of honesty. Creating art exposes your weaknesses, and you quickly find out what you're not so good at. 

While creating what comes from your soul, instinct is all you have. You have to trust your gut and cut out the good opinion of other people. 

You are not an artist simply because you can apply oil to a canvas, take a photograph, or play a series of chords - you are an artist because you dare to take people where they have yet to take themselves.

xx 

photos by sean zhao

million dollar man

He called me by that, a man that knew me by name since I was 22. I'd get off the subway listening to "blue jeans" to go see him. Champagne, and his endless stories I could always listen to. He already achieved all his dreams, but still believed in mine. He loved me because I did as I pleased, I spent my time as though it was mine, because it was. I was "his special girl," an artist in the making. 

I wasn't well to do, but he made sure I was ok. He made me laugh, and introduced me to beautiful women much like myself. We laughed and kissed each other into oblivion on a Wednesday afternoon. 

A million dollar baby with nothing to lose. 

"I don't know how to get over someone as dangerous, tainted, and flawed as you."  

And I don't know where it goes from here, but I know you are wonderful, and I am lucky girl to know such a man as you. 

xx

lingerie by honey birdette

photos by jen senn

paradise lost

Paradise lost, and all things must come to pass. Who is this at my door -- knocking, knocking, and then retreating back into the cold night air.

It is winter now, and you still have not returned. I have grown more refined in your absence, perhaps it is the distance that swings us towards amelioration. 

You slowly pull away, and I am left to my novels and oil paints. Left to someone who wants to make an impression on me. To someone who doesn't mind if he changes who I am. 

If who I am is in my mind, then I'm with you all the time. You made our love eternal by making a song out of it. You created a wound that could resurface at any time, by making our heartache art, but I did the same. 

What is it called when two artists use each other for inspiration? Was it for personal gain or just to make sense of the remainder and deal with the pain? 

I know there will never be another love as epic as yours, ours - because the present can't compete with the creative mind's nostalgia. We feed off that shit, milk it to the bone. 

My dreams remind me of our past, and I am again made sad. No amount of solace through art or poetry could make me forget. Nothing is as passionate as the fiery sadness of two lovers bringing up each other's wounds. 

Your words help you make sense of your life, as do mine. We move towards refinement with hearts split open.

xx 

destination unknown coat by free people

lingerie by Maison Close

velvet & lush

My holiday look is all about sexy bohemian vibes - lush textures, beads, fur and velvet. I've been embodying the hippie version of Edie Sedgwick, or so I'd like to think. I've included some links below to shop the styles I've been wearing for the past couple weeks. 

What is your holiday style? Have you been into something specific lately? It's always so easy to let ourselves go around this time of the year, but I love to do the exact opposite. I love to work on keeping my body strong, my mind sharp, and my style on point. 

Need daily inspiration? Follow my stories on instagram - @ihateblonde

You can see what workouts I do everyday + what I'm wearing + what I'm thinking/reading. 

Get inside my head. 

xx 

yellow faux fur by Eaves

bold blooms dress by Free People

green olsen twin maxi top by Free People

velvet luxe bra by Fleur de Mal

velvet luxe panty by Fleur de Mal

"when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change"

I like myself best when I am creating art. I like the person I become, I like the challenges I overcome. 

I feel, in a sense, like I am at my rawest self while creating. I get so scared to start (the beginning of anything is always intimidating), but I persevere and meet a new me on the other side. You will never be the same person at the end of a challenge. You will become someone you don't know right now. 

I think that's what growing up as an artist is, you'll never like the last piece you create (we are our own worst critics.) But that's because we are always becoming someone new, someone more aware, someone more fervently self-aware in their passions.  

I like who I am becoming, and I like that I don't know who I'll be in two months. I'm comfortable enough in the chaos to ride the wave and pursue my passions. I think that's what balance is all about. 

This is the piece I created for the opening of the new Hex Watch store in Soho, it's called "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." It's a quote from my favorite spiritual teacher, Wayne Dyer. It's about seeing the world as a beautiful place, rather than somewhere that is full of fear and terror and heartache. The piece will be in the Hex Watch pop-up store for the next couple months, so go check it out. 230A Mulberry Street in Manahttan.

All my love, 

rachel 

xx  

baby's night out

Can't think, so I'm just gonna ride the wave. Can't breathe, so i'm just gonna chain smoke through the thick of it. I don't have all the answers, and I don't have all the happiness. But, New York City is my home, and she takes good care of wild hearts like mine. 

xx 

wish you were here bomber by Georgia Mae

denim by neuw denim

sunglasses by Zero UV

seduced by a life of butterflies

My artistic life shifts between creating everything and creating nothing at all. Everything is inspiring, or nothing is inspiring at all. 

I don't know the driving force that wrecks my brain between these blacks and whites, but I press on. I know that I will shift, and the balance is a natural occurrence. Although, completely submerged in the black or the white doesn't feel very balanced at all. 

I love polaroids, photographs, guitars, indie songs, and big open spaces. Perhaps it's typical, but at least I know who I am. I've been the same gentle soul since high school, the only thing that changes in the world around me. 

It's lovely to feel like we just live in our little world. And I love that you're not too cool for my world. You're confident enough to play in mine, and I in yours. 

Gentle skin and a big heart, why don't you stay a little while. 

xx