metal guru

Tease and hustle. There is nothing like the thrill that comes from living in New York. It's our collective vibe, the mutual understanding of what it takes to be a New Yorker. It's not easy here, but we don't want anything else. 

I slept on an air mattress in a closet-sized room for my first apartment. I came here with two suitcases and $800 dollars in my bank account. I've never thought of myself as brave, but I guess that day I was. 

Still fighting the fringes of a mental illness when I first arrived only added to the level of difficulty. But with a couple new friends, and big love, I was able to heal. Anorexia wanted to isolate me and kill me, New York wanted to love me. 

So I love her back every day, as I walk the streets and ride the subways. She gave me health, my first sense of self, but she also keeps me wild. 

x x 

"a friend is only a lover you're not committed to"

"It was really sad Bobby Neuwirth's and my affair. The only true, passionate, and lasting love scene, and I practically ended up in the psychopathic ward. I had really learned about sex from him, making love, loving, giving. It just completely blew my mind it drove me insane. I was like a sex slave to this man. I could make love for forty-eight hours, forty-eight hours, forty-eight hours, without getting tired. But the minute he left me alone, I felt so empty and lost that I would start popping pills." 

dreamland feather robe by Dolls Kill

lingerie set by Dolls Kill

october madonna

She was wearing a sundress, the kind that's not meant to be put on by oneself. You dress her. 

You both live in this for now, it works. It doesn't feel so heavy anymore. Time has lifted the weight of love, and you're free to move on, to find new adventures and new sound. 

But time can never erase the comfort you feel, the ease of being together. Time has no way of touching that. 

We fall back together just as easy as we fell apart. The days spent separate only create distance in the physical. 

Her skin is so much clearer now, her shoulders kissed by the summer past, the summer you didn't spend together. 

There is something so easy about it now. Time has healed, but it has not forgotten. 

xx 

vintage flower kimono by Binge on Vintage

poppy bra by Agent Provocateur

poppy thong by Agent Provocateur

poppy red suspender by Agent Provocateur

"you talk way too much"

Here's a look I threw together for the weekend. I'm kind of in love with this new jacket I bought for a fall + this hat I got in Beijing. 

The shoes are from a new collection by my dear friend, Charla Tedrick. I cropped the shirt while getting dressed & I also realized I can never wear enough rings. 

xx 

leopard coat by Michelle Mason

tee-shirt by Madeworn

jeans by 7fam

shoes by Charla Tedrick

"everything trying"

The torture of small talk with someone you used to love. The end of a romance that came two years too late, the closure that took three days of intense lovemaking. 

They say the past only extends so far, but I bring you into the present with my dreams. Your lovers will always be alive inside of you, some stay with you for your entire life. 

My favorite was the beginning, where we'd sleep at your apartment and leave our phones at mine. But I knew you had something to hide, the day you started sleeping by your phone and flipping it over.

Someone infiltrated our shared bed from across the country, I let it happen. 

I make art, I move on. I learn new skills, and I still don't care about money. But I can't say that you're not in all of my work, inspiring every brushstroke and word with your mere memory. 

xx 

Beijing, China

If you've been following my instagram, you know I spent the last week and a half in Beijing. It was my second time in China, and I think I loved it more than the first. There's something so cool that happens to the mind when we come into a new space. I've been learning a lot about synaptogenesis, which is the creation of new neuronal connections in the brain. Two things that facilitate this the most are travel and exercise. These new connections give us the ability to perceive things from a different perspective, and contemplate new ideas. 

On top of visiting the Temple of Heaven, and other historic Chinese landmarks, I finished a book, shot for brands I'm currently working with and ran 25 miles. I tried new foods, and challenged the way I think and perceive people. 

Something that made this trip extra special was that I've been sober for 12 days. Alcohol is not a huge demon in my life, but I have been wanting to cut it out for a while, just to see what its like. What I discovered was an amazing ability to be present & a dramatic shift towards self-love (which occurred very naturally.) During dinner with friends, I never think twice about having a drink. Being somewhere foreign, where my native tongue is not spoken, presented some unease. But I challenged myself to stay present and try to really be in the moment. It's hard to explain the kind of happiness that gives you and the authenticity you feel in your heart.

On the fourth day, I did a special meditation for personal development and swam in the morning sunlight. I never slept so soundly as I did these past two weeks, (adequate hydration definitely helps with jet lag.) I want to develop more of a personal meditation practice. I feel like it's such a beautiful way to connect with source (self.) 

I am beyond grateful for these past two weeks. China's vast history and contrasting lifestyle gave me a gift I could never have received in the states. My love for the country and all it's generous people there becomes amplified with each journey. 

xx 

not your baby jumpsuit by free people

striped pajama pants by Anine Bing

metallica tee by Madeworn

take it higher white bellbottom by Lovers + Friends x REVOLVE

my mirror speaks

Fresh tomatoes and the changing of seasons, i feel the fall coming despite the heat. Striving to be authentic, I sit in meditation. I've been sober with my thoughts for nearly two weeks now, and I feel more present than ever. There's nothing I can escape, therefore there is nothing to escape. My mind doesn't get to play tricks anymore, and it slips into a divine self-love. 

This self-love feels so authentic, and I feel grateful for the most simple of things. Perhaps, they are not so simple after all. I'm seeing the sun in a new light, the passing of each day, and the little movements that get us from place to place as so dramatically singular. 

I don't want to remove myself from myself anymore, and I see everything as it is. Nothing is overwhelming, and everything is an opportunity for growth. Book after book, I become new with my collection of knowledge, and there is always more to learn. 

x x 

the divine feminine

All beings have aspects of divine feminine and divine masculine within them. I do not know if I chose to incarnate into this world as a female, but I do know that I seek to be more aligned with the divine feminine within me. 

The third dimensions is a dimension based on the idea of contrast. From this we get duality, i.e. - male and female.  

The female energy is all about creation, the most basic of all being the creation of life. It was not until recently, that I wanted to come into these things, and heal my feminine energy. 

We should ask ourselves, is there any part of the traditional female gender role that we actually enjoy? I don't wear makeup often, but I enjoy using it when I want to enhance my femininity and express it. If these traditional female expressions come from pure enjoyment and empowerment, then we should embrace them. If not, forget them. Deicide what serves your personal happiness, and what does not. 

Creating will bring you into contact with the divine feminine, so make art! Lots of art! Whatever speaks to you. I play music, write, paint, and make photographs where I express my sexuality and style.  

Through therapy, I've explored and healed my feelings around feminine identity and my own mother. I haven't yet healed my resistance around motherhood (healing resistance does not mean you become a mother) but it just means you release those judgments around something that helps other women expresses their divine feminine. 

You'll find the things that help the divine feminine express itself perfectly through you. I am in alignment with my sensuality. That is an aspect of my life which I have healed, and am totally comfortable with. It may be why so many of you feel the intense sexual energy behind my photos.

Let me know your thoughts and feelings on this topic. There are so many things in the spiritual and physical world that interest me, let me know where you are, and your expressions of divine feminine. I am always here. 

xx

spice girl

I danced in light at the end of his prism. I stopped trying to make sense of it all, slipped out of routine and into books. The books gave way to new experiences, but first they gave way to a change of mind. I am a selection on the spectrum, an artist at best. 

I thought I found a new lover in you. Regret is a prototype, and you're my latest example. 

I can't sleep because I've broke my own heart again, and I know it. You can't hide in distractions from self at night. 

All kinds of reckless, I'll still be around. 

xx 

80s punk jacket by Binge on Vintage

70s floral cocktail kimono by Binge on Vintage

julienne red lace suspender dress by Honey Birdette

americana set by Solstice Intimates

japan bomber by Réalisation Par

the stevie in sunflower by Réalisation Par

photos by Jen Senn

france and italy

I sat quietly while you spoke. I think I have a certain pride in my ability to listen, my ability to hold my tongue. 

The world is never going to give you your dreams in the way in which you dreamt them. Desires of the heart are content, not form. Love will never arrive in the way in which you expect it. Being open to the adventure is an art. Even if I could write the perfect story for my life, the universe will always have a better plan. 

It is said that we are, "subject to the laws that govern the universe in which we believe in," and I've always believe in the world of my dreams. But I don't always get my dreams, and it is then that I realize I am an expression in a much larger plan. 

I never thought I would be someone who traveled the world. I never thought I'd see the south of France, or sleep amongst the vineyards in Italy, but the universe has a way of providing exactly what we need. It will always show up. 

These photos are highlights, but on a journey, there will always be high highs and low lows. I stayed up for hours in the middle of the night, jet-lag, drama at the airport, a restless mind, the list goes on. 

But in the end, the mind will romanticize, and we will be grateful for the experience. Always take the risk, I have never regretted a plane ticket. 

xx 

the valentina dress in cherry by Réalisation Par

red pumps by Jimmy Choo

pink ruffle lingerie set by Fleur du Mal

jasper ruffled tulle-trimmed bikini by Zimmerman

Alien Heel in Militare by Giuseppe Zanotti

Evie Mini Dress by For Love & Lemons

ziggy pin tuck mini dress by For Love & Lemons

faux leather belt by For Love & Lemons

botanic strapless dress by For Love & Lemons

all remaining lingerie from the new collection "Liaison Fatale" by Maison Close