by Rachel Lynch in

Boys! Put the fucking console down. Seriously. And wipe the nacho cheese dorito crumbs off your thumbs while you're at it.

No, my idea of a good time does not include coming over to watch you play copious hours of Resident Evil. Because most likely, watching you work your hands at lightning speed around a dirty controller reminds me of you jacking-off. On your own. In your room. In the dark. (Sad & pathetic.)

Guys, have fun juggling your thumbs at high velocities on your own time. If you're going to have a girl over, find something fun for BOTH of you to do. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT default to playing video games. I am 99% sure she won't be interested and 100% sure she won't be impressed.

Is it lunch-time? Try making some character mac and cheese. Is it later on in the day? How about a glass of wine, a movie or a game of twister? There are a million things you could do that don't involve her watching you practice masturbating techniques on an Xbox controller.

(And seriously, there's no way she's getting in bed with you after four hours of Zelda...)